[from http://www.crl.com/~tzimon ]
   
                         SHOGGOTH CONJURATION
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    1. Go to the ocean. Bring with you a bottle of tequila and a
       brass shotglass, a rattle made from the float bladder of a
       giant kelp, and a person who causes you great sexual
       frustration.
    2. With the butt-end of the rattle, draw a circle in the sand
       centered around you. The other person stands outside the
       circle.
    3. The other person now removes hir clothes and stands a
       distance from you great enough so that the roar of the ocean
       masks anything they say. Hishi performs any magickal rite
       which you don't know.
    4. Fill the shotglass with tequila (Note: Cuervo 1800 suggests
       itself well, if only for gematric content of the name). Drink
       1/4 of it but swallow only 1/2 of what you drink. Spit the
       rest in one of the four cardinal directions in a fine spray.
    5. Dance clockwise around the circle but keep your eyes focused
       on the other person as hishi performs hir ritual. Shake your
       rattle and sing the music (not the lyrics) to the song "Seen
       and Not Seen" (Talking Heads, "Remain in Light", Sire
       Records, 1981 or so).
    6. After a little while, sit down in the middle of your circle
       and start drinking shots of tequila. Convince yourself that
       everything is OK and simple continue to watch the other
       person admiringly.
    7. When the other person finishes hir rite, convince hir to
       enter the circle and join you in the tequila. Attempt to
       steer the conversation so that hishi says, "I was really
       cold", or "It's very cold tonight" or "Hey, don't look at my
       that way!"
    8. At this moment, at least one shoggoth will leave the ocean at
       a high rate of speed and attach itself to you. If it doesn't
       come to you, then go to it and simply stand in its midst.
       
   Congratulations. You now have a shoggoth. Banishing isn't really
   possible, but you will eventually acclimate to it. It requires no
   care, feeds wherever it wants to, and will rearrange the
   variables in your life (and the lives of those around you) in
   exciting and challenging ways. Enjoy!
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